he loves me not, and im too tired to care.

i dropped my own heart
after he gave it back, 
and it broke into a million rose petals 
turns out this time he loves me not.

help me save myself.

most the time when i think
i speak too quickly
even though its in my head,
i had to get it off my chest.

cause if i don't i wont be able to breath.

im stuck in these walls,
im running out of words to say
and its getting hard to breath.

im getting lonely again.

and im stuck.

with no words to write,
or anything to say,
a heart skipping a beat,
and running out of air to breath.

i need to break these walls

someone help me get something off my chest.

someone save me.

help me save me.

help me.

A Little Death // The Neighbourhood

epilogue to the suffering

high school

we deserve an epilogue for our dead souls.
i think we've suffered enough.

im a
B plus average.
average looking girl
blonde hair, brown eyes
nothing special
except for long legs
and the way my eyes speak
in ways you cannot teach.

this is to the girl
so popular she cant even think for herself.
self esteem so low you cant even feel it in her fingertips.
i wish you the best. and i hope you learn to love yourself.

to the girls surrounding her
acting like puppets with kites tied to their wrists.
searching for their souls but the wind is blowing them the wrong way.
you are more than what others think of you.

this is to the boy i first loved
thank you for teaching me to love the rain,
and thank you for showing me that your only
redeeming quality was that i deserve better.
and you deserve better too.

to the boy who loves Mary Jane,
and would do anything for the women he loves.
a romeo and juliet type of love.
except for she's not real, and he's killing himself slowly before she even bats an eye.
i hope you find the real her one day.

to the girl waist deep in self doubt.
mixed with antidepressants, and sadness you can see from a mile away.
you're so beautiful. your disorder does not define you.

to the boy who doesn't believe in god because science makes more sense.
i pray for you every day.
because my brother sat in jail screaming for god to help him.
i saw the man he grew to be because my god loves him
and theres no formula for love.

this is for the hardest time of our lives
broken pencils, broken hearts
beautiful people, and beautiful souls.

im here to remind you that
we made it.

class of 2016

the ones who sit by the knight
the ones who eat in the library
to the ones so ready to leave they cant even take a moment to let it all in.
and to the ones suffering

we made it.

four months

sixteen days.

and these floors will be nothing but memories
and we will never have these days back.

paris will be nothing but a figure of speech,
and i will forever be missing home.

to highschool.

you have been the best 
and the worst days of my life.
i'm still trying to figure out how that is.

i wrote this for you

i think back to the days
when i had it all planned out.

seventeen and still believe in fairy tails,
but i don't think i can afford to stop believing.

we were going to be like the movies,
i knew it.

thinking back to the late late nights
and you holding my hand.

arguing about everything
but agreeing on our love.

the night you hand stitched my heart
back together, and signed your signature
for everyone to see.

your mom wanted us to get married.
and i cried when you told me marriage wasn't for you.

his hand in mine,
i thought of how hard it would be when i had to let go.

you stopped looking at me the same,
the days got colder, and it was harder for me to breath.

my stitches ripped open, and the glass from my heart
tore open my insides.

your name still on my heart,
i covered with a bandaid

the night my hand was empty,
a fake smile on my face,
a suit and tie
all under the stars in a nice dress.
was the night you gave your hand to someone else.

after that,
missing you was like, the ache in your bones
when it starts to get cold
and days when you're so tired you cant sleep.

i forgot what your voice sounded like

and wished i had someone to argue with.

i think about our movie that was about us,
when we were the kings and queens

i saw you one day,
you still looked like a king

and sounded like a dream
i forgot i had, had.

and i think back to the days,
when i had it all planned out.

i miss you.
and us.

when we were young // adele

two sizes too small, or one size too big

i think at this point you should be angry,

so so angry.

but you aren't

maybe because you have a heart 

one size too big.

why aren't you angry?

you watched your father walk out the

door when you were far to young,

but understood that, that is what 

made them happy.

you should be so angry,

that at the age of seventeen your sister would 

be high and crying in her bed to try and take away 

the pain of being with her deadbeat boyfriend.

and so so angry, 

that a boy would leave your

sister to raise a child on her own.

you should be angry 

at the boy who shattered your heart

for no apparent reason but you forgave him, 

even though you still have nightmares of him

every now and then.

or at the fact that you tried to

change yourself for the world to like you.

because they say you are too difficult to love.

you tried to become 

more delicate,

speak less,

and be softer.

hands laced with memories,

a heart laced with stained glass, 

almost too thick to crack.

and maybe a heart two sizes too small.

you should be so so angry.

but you aren't. 

you're just sad, 

with a heart one size too small.

or maybe two sizes too big.

(not mine.)

-stacia maxson

im sick of explaining who i am pt. 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXLh-B0sLJ4

(heres a lame video i made of myself.)

when i was young i wanted to be a princess.

and a few years later i wanted to be beautiful and breathtaking

now i want to be intelligent.

one day id like to be loved, and to be in love

but i can honestly say I've never wanted to be someone I'm not.

my mom calls be pretty

my sister calls me a disappointment

my dad calls me a blessing

my family calls me the last hope.

i don't know which one i really am,

but like i said before I'm sick of explaining who i am.

its time for me to stop hiding

Amaru is still me, and I'm sorry if i disappoint.

thank you for letting me be me.

yours truly,

stacia maxson daley.

a song for everyone

to benjamin
Stacks // Bon Iver
"your love will be, safe with me."

to connor

The Night We Met // Lord Huron

"i had all, and then most of you, some, and now none of you."

to jaxson
So Cold // Ben Cocks
 "when you told me you'd leave i felt like i couldn't breathe"

to hunter

Youth // Daughter

"to distract our hearts from ever missing them. 

but i'm forever missing him."

to my future daughter
I Want To Write You a Song // One Direction
"i want to write you a song, one as beautiful as you are sweet."

to my brain

What Do You Mean // Justin Bieber

"you’re so indecisive, what i’m saying

 tryna catch the beat, make up your heart."

to my senior year
Long Live // Taylor Swift
"i was screaming, "long live all the magic we made" 
and bring on all the pretenders, 
one day we will be remembered"

to someone

Make It To Me // Sam Smith

"so sick of this lonely air, it seems such a waste of breath

so keep your head down. and make it to me."

to myself
Hurricane // Halsey
"and I found myself reminded, to keep you far away from me.
dont belong to no city, dont belong to no man."

to bowman

Rivers and Roads // The Head And The Heart

"and I miss your face like hell"

to the time i cried at his concert
Violin // Amos Lee
"lately i, i've been heading for a breakdown"

to my first kiss

Sweater Weather // The Neighbourhood 

"and if i may just take your breath away, i don't mind if there's not much to say."

to prom night
Damn You Seventeen // Lady Antebellum
"my heart's still stuck at a stop light, with you sittin' there next to me
and the red light won't turn green. damn you seventeen."

to my mom

Mama // 2Pac

"and dear mama, you are appreciated."

to the past

Tompkins Square Park // Mumford and Sons

"no flame burns forever, and most don't even last the night."

to my broken home

Blood // The Middle East

"back to the home you made on the mountainside
with that ugly, terrible thing."

to depression

Build It Better // Aron Wright

"and you always build it better the second time around."

to my last kiss

Robbers // The 1975

"he's begging, "babe stay, stay, stay."

things my heart wished our mom had taught us

his knife stabbed just as hard as his words
and left a gaping hole in me and i haven't been the same since.
i know that he ripped his heart out when he was fourteen
and is killing himself everyday
but you need to focus on getting me to beat again.
you cant save him. so save me, save us.

you have to feel pain. you have to feel the sadness.
if you shut it down, we will be left prying open your rip cage,
tearing apart your veins, and bleeding out just to feel something again.
do not shut down. turns out feeling nothing is worse than feeling anything
at all. and after all that your left with a blood stained shirt
from this gaping hole in our chest.

it may be three am but you are allowed to cry.
you can slide down the wall crying, aching and screaming at the moon.
you're aloud to cry into your knees until your tears fill up the room.
you are not weak. we could never be weak.

don't hurt yourself, learn to love yourself.
i know you want to get rid of the sadness and him
and the heartbreak he brought.
i know you want to get rid of the numbness
and the sleepless nights and shaky hands.
but you cant set your skin on fire or tear open your veins,
your bones will be spilling out with pain if you do.
you cant do that.
because despite the pain, you are everything good.
and darkness needs the stars to find his way through the night.
don't confuse your light for his darkness.

its going to get better.
you're on the edge and you're waiting for the fall.
but there is nothing good at the bottom.
maybe just a lot of broken bones and blood. and disappointment.
i know how hard it is for you to stay here.
but i promise you i will beat for you for as long as you let me.
and one day you will wake up smiling
and you will be on the edge one day looking at the sky
not at the ground below you.
we will have grown.
and we will be alright.

sincerely - your slightly shattered heart.

build it better // aron wright

untitled

hello note.

nov/8/2015.

6:58pm.

to self(you).

from (my) experience time is never really on your side.

on september twenty second i thought maybe id be happy forever

but that ended on december sixth.

on may twentieth i told him i wasn't ready, because i wasn't over

september twenty second. 

after getting over may twentieth 

i woke up one day and didn't miss september twenty second anymore.(i told myself)

i finally know that,

you're (i'll) never going to be 100% ready. 

and its never going to be the just the right time.

and maybe you'll (i'll) always miss september twenty second.

but thats the point.

you (I) can never fully love the people you have right now. in this moment.

if you (I) keep wishing september will come around.

you'll never realize 

september left.

and it only seems to be haunting you (me) not helping you (me).

you (I) may always miss him. 

and september may be beautiful

but forget what you (I) feel.

and remember what you (I) deserve. 

because you (i am) are beautiful.

and an untitled piece of art.

unknown by all. and loved by many.

so right now you are your own november eighth 

and tomorrow the ninth.

and forever your own. 

you (i) deserve everything you've (i've) ever wanted.

and if you (i) want it.

you (i) just have to do it.

every moment is the right moment if you (i) make it.

from self(amaru).

7:41

Candles // Daughter

how i made him miss me

what an odd feeling it would to be nothing than a vague,
dull memory to you. 

to be the girl you think back on now and think of regret. there is nothing i would want less than to be a girl you speak of like that. i will not be that girl. you will not speak of me now, as a regret. 

i want to be the girl you think of when other girls ask you about your first real, raw love. but you can never muster up the courage or the words to describe me. so you never talk about it. 

because the thought of my messy blonde hair finding there way in between our lips and the thought of the laugh that comes after, makes your heart ache and skip a beat or two. 

and you wont talk about how i would sing to you in the car to
awful music on the radio, 

and even though i couldn't sing you always loved to hear me. 

or how every time i see your mother she hugs me and we would sit and talk forever about nothing and everything. you wont talk about how you loved the smell perfume on my neck or the smell of my hands when you'd kiss them. you wont want to talk about it. 

because no one can compare themselves to me. 

and you wouldn't want anyone to compare themselves to me. 

so you don't talk about it, then you don't remember the feeling on my nails on your back. 

or my thumb rubbing your hand where you left a scar for you to look at each day. 

i want you to laugh when you drive past the places we made beautiful memories of each other, 

and remember the places we danced under the moonlight on the mountain top, and 

the rain puddles we would jump in and everywhere we fell in love with each other again and again. 

and when you're there you will think to yourself how you let me slip away from you, and the ever so tight grip you had on the small of my back. 

i will not be the girl you speak of in the way of regret. 

because that this the farthest thing i remember of you. 

i accept you as a dream that haunts me every now and then and, 

as a wonderful memory and nothing less. 

you are not a regret.

i cannot be regret.

The Night We Met // Lord Huron 

letters from my head

(addressing depression and mental illness.)

i still need to remind myself every morning to smile.

somedays i get sad. and i don't know why. and nothing can change that.

people want me alive.

emotions are colors, and i don't feel colors very often anymore.

depression isn't pretty.

and my brain is not romantic.

i take medication every morning.

and sometimes i forget to wake up.

i am my own worst enemy.

i wish i could go back and warn myself about this.

i do not need someone to fix me.
i do not need someone to fix me
i do not need someone to fix me
i am not broken
i am not broken
i cannot be fixed,
if i am not broken.

i am always struggling to breathe.

this is not how things used to be.

i am not the same.

i cant see the sun anymore.

and i cant see the good.

i cant help but think it was you who made me this way.

but i know better than that.

constantly torn between,

i am nothing and i am everything.

maybe ill settle for all that is in between.

my hands are always shaking.

and i don't usually have an appetite.

when i walk down the halls i have to remind myself to breathe.

i'm afraid of my own head.

i know that one day i will be okay,
and i am sorry to the ones who have been effected by me.
i am constantly trying to be better.

you can do this. - sincerely me.


(this post is not for you to feel bad for me.
it is to show you what people with mental illnesses deal with everyday.
please stop romanticizing this illness.
it is not beautiful.)

Autopilot // Kodaline

let it kill you

as soon as your eyes locked with mine i knew there was

 no chance of me coming out of this alive.

find what you love and let it kill you.

i thought i found him and loved him

but i didn't. i lost him.

and i am still alive.

but what doesn't kill you

leaves scars.

on your heart, and your hands,

and on your spine where he used to trace his fingers 

what doesn't kill you 

leaves your lungs ruined,

and full of dying flowers.

what doesn't kill you,

dries out all your tears,

leaves you awake at 4 in the morning

laying on the shower floor.

wishing you weren't alive.

find what you love and let it kill you.

everything is going to kill you,

but darling,

please let it be by love.

a lover

the love of your life.

love what you love so much 

that it makes you feel alive

and then love it so much 

that it kills you.

i've had my hours on the shower floor.

the scars on my skin 

and the stains on my soul

are un countable.

its time for me to 

find what i love and let it kill me.

...what a marvelous way to die.

All The Pretty Girls // Kaleo

11:28

i dont know where you are.

but tonight the rain is tapping on my window;

and where ever you might be, 

i know that it is pattering against yours too.

this comforts me for some reason.

 

Silver Coin // Angus & Julia Stone

yellow brick, boring brick

if you ask me 

i can show you how deep the rabbit hole really is

if you stay in wonderland with me.

alice is wonderful

and they are saying the hatter is going mad 

but if he's mad i must be insane.

im stuck in a fairytale

and i'm not sure how to get out.

this way 

that way 

wrong way 

which way is the right way?

the clock just struck twelve,

i lost my shoe,

and i'm walking on this yellow brick road 

following each brick, by boring brick

but i think i'm lost.

i painted some roses red 

on my way 

they are the color of my shoes.

if i click my heels it will take me home 

but i realized i don't want to go home.

i just want to be happy

but i've lost my way.

im in alice's wonderland 

i think i fell down the wrong hole

living in a diffrent reality.

i'm searching for other holes to find my own

because to find my own wonderland

i need to fall down a rabbits hole.

i don't know where i'm going 

so it doesn't matter if i'm late 

or which path i take.

alice is still wonderful

the hatter has gone mad.

but if you ask me 

i can show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

if you'll go to wonderland with me.

Brick By Boring Brick // Paramore 

love, n.

i'm not even going to start.

i have nothing to say other than run. 

run fast and run far.

Dear John // Taylor Swift 

him,

i never got the chance to thank you for breaking my heart.

i don't cry over you anymore,
in fact i cant remember the last time i did.
but just because i'm not crying,
doesn't mean that every time
i hear your name it
doesn't make me weak and
i cant feel my blood turning cold.

but here,
thank you.

Lost and Found // M83 ft. Susanne Sundfør

orange is still orange

they keep saying orange is the new black. 

he is standing in front me this orange jumpsuit

but i cant see any black, all i see are police sirens 

and my mascara stained cheeks.

that sunday night i lost my best friend.

i slept in his room for two weeks until 

i could pull myself together.

 i wear his favorite hoodie every night 

because it smells like him.

and i didn't know when the next time i got to hug him again.

this sunday night 7 months later,

i still dont have my best friend.

i sleep in my room now.

but i keep his room clean, and his door shut.

and no one is allowed in there.

it may seem like i'm acting like he died.

but as i look at this orange jumpsuit in front me 

the old him did die. 

i see change.

i see a man.

so i keep his door shut. 

so when the new him comes home,

he wont have to see orange, or black.

he can see a life.

and love.

and help.

my cheeks are still stained with my tears,

but i am stronger now.

i still miss the loud music at two am.

and i miss the door always being open 

if i ever needed to talk.

but for now i think ill keep his door shut. 

until i don't have to worry about 

anything being orange,

or anything being black.

song: Rivers and Roads // The Head and The Heart

human, the hardest thing to be

despite my best efforts i cant help but
be anything other than human.

the blood pumping from my 

weak heart is full of love.

and i have love in my veins,
so no matter how much i try
my soul is blood red soaked with love
and theres nothing i can do about it.

i know what makes me human
is my willingness to feel,
and my overwhelming desire
to love the crap out of everything.
even if doing that rips my heart open,
i would still love the creator of my destruction.

i can feel my sadness in my bones,
anger in my chest,
and my impatience in my fingertips.
but i know who i am and i know that 
i am only human.

people forget too easily that others are just human.
and people also forget that they themselves are just human.

so i am going to love until,
it leaves me feeling like 

my lungs aren't working anymore.

until, i can find someone who makes
my heart swell in my chest 

because they love me as much
as my soul loves them.

so i am going to love because
i am alive, and i am human and
that is the hardest thing to be.




song: Human // Daughter 

how to love the villain

I met a boy who once handed me a bag of darkness.

he was dreamy

and he was everything i shouldn't have.

he wanted me with all he had

and i wanted him in all the ways i shouldn't have.

his chapter was blurry, but the feelings were real.

turns out the dreamy eyes i dreamt about 

were only just a chapter. 

and i was left with nothing but this bag of darkness 

and the dark gloomy dreams of eyes that will haunt me in my sleep.

I met a boy who handed me a bouquet of dying flowers.

they were all he had.

they were a mirror of his soul

and i couldn't help but hold those flowers tight.

turns out i held on to tight. 

i had too much to give 

and he didn't have enough. 

he left me with dead flowers

and he left with nothing but the thought of 

roses in my hair and the thought of someone 

who could've loved him forever.

all i had left was this bag of darkness

that made everything foggy and was clouding my judgement.

and these dead flowers that are growing in my lungs.

i cant help but wonder what happened to me 

and why all of my flowers are dead.

it took me years to realize that these are the villains in my story

and they too, are important.

this bag of darkness caused me so much pain, 

but now i understand more than i knew before. 

and this. was a gift.

these flowers you picked for me were once the most beautiful.

even though they are dead, they remind me of us.

so they will always be the most 

beautifully tragic flowers that will grow in me. 

theses are my villains.

and to have a good story, 

you need to love the villain as much as you love the hero.

song: Thirteen Sad Farwells // Stu Larsen 

dearest daughter,

baby

that boy does not validate your existence.

love the world 

unconditionally.

eat as much chocolate as you want.

confidence is key.

seek to find the beauty in all things.

you will probably be tall,

 but always wear those heels.

learn to apply lipstick. 

and wear the crap out of red lipstick.

tell me everything.

i am very good at keeping secrets.

know your worth.

always walk with your head held high.

drink lots of water,

its good for everything.

the sun is your friend.

but never forget to wear sunscreen.

it is okay to cry.

break bottles when you're mad,

trust me it helps.

keep yourself healthy, a strong beautiful soul

needs a healthy body.

mean your anger

mean your pain

mean your sadness

all of your feelings are valid

every last one of them.

your education is top priority.

science is very interesting.

people are going to let you down.

but hold everyone to high expectations.

form your own opinions.

voice your opinions.

stick with your guns.

there are many ways into a pool, 

the stairs is not one of them.

never linger in or out of a door way.

always be polite.

first impressions are important.

wash your face,

twice a day.

i cant paint fingernails.

argue when you need too.

when stating your point, 

short but sweet is best.

don't take anyones shit.

there is a very fine line between,

sultry and slutty.

i am always listening, always.

you are so beautiful.

i will always hold your hand when i need to.

jealousy is ugly.

not everyone will love you.

count your blessings.

being happy helps your soul.

nostalgia is a dirty liar.

do not dumb it down.

its never too late for an apology. 

please forgive yourself for your mistakes.

invest in good sheets.

punch first, and punch hard.

never forget about the ones who love you back.

life is tough, but you are tougher.

most importantly,

you are who you love.

not who loves you.

and baby, i will love you forever and i will never let you go.

song: To Build A Home // The Cinematic Orchestra