orange is still orange

they keep saying orange is the new black. 

he is standing in front me this orange jumpsuit

but i cant see any black, all i see are police sirens 

and my mascara stained cheeks.

that sunday night i lost my best friend.

i slept in his room for two weeks until 

i could pull myself together.

 i wear his favorite hoodie every night 

because it smells like him.

and i didn't know when the next time i got to hug him again.

this sunday night 7 months later,

i still dont have my best friend.

i sleep in my room now.

but i keep his room clean, and his door shut.

and no one is allowed in there.

it may seem like i'm acting like he died.

but as i look at this orange jumpsuit in front me 

the old him did die. 

i see change.

i see a man.

so i keep his door shut. 

so when the new him comes home,

he wont have to see orange, or black.

he can see a life.

and love.

and help.

my cheeks are still stained with my tears,

but i am stronger now.

i still miss the loud music at two am.

and i miss the door always being open 

if i ever needed to talk.

but for now i think ill keep his door shut. 

until i don't have to worry about 

anything being orange,

or anything being black.

song: Rivers and Roads // The Head and The Heart

human, the hardest thing to be

despite my best efforts i cant help but
be anything other than human.

the blood pumping from my 

weak heart is full of love.

and i have love in my veins,
so no matter how much i try
my soul is blood red soaked with love
and theres nothing i can do about it.

i know what makes me human
is my willingness to feel,
and my overwhelming desire
to love the crap out of everything.
even if doing that rips my heart open,
i would still love the creator of my destruction.

i can feel my sadness in my bones,
anger in my chest,
and my impatience in my fingertips.
but i know who i am and i know that 
i am only human.

people forget too easily that others are just human.
and people also forget that they themselves are just human.

so i am going to love until,
it leaves me feeling like 

my lungs aren't working anymore.

until, i can find someone who makes
my heart swell in my chest 

because they love me as much
as my soul loves them.

so i am going to love because
i am alive, and i am human and
that is the hardest thing to be.




song: Human // Daughter 

how to love the villain

I met a boy who once handed me a bag of darkness.

he was dreamy

and he was everything i shouldn't have.

he wanted me with all he had

and i wanted him in all the ways i shouldn't have.

his chapter was blurry, but the feelings were real.

turns out the dreamy eyes i dreamt about 

were only just a chapter. 

and i was left with nothing but this bag of darkness 

and the dark gloomy dreams of eyes that will haunt me in my sleep.

I met a boy who handed me a bouquet of dying flowers.

they were all he had.

they were a mirror of his soul

and i couldn't help but hold those flowers tight.

turns out i held on to tight. 

i had too much to give 

and he didn't have enough. 

he left me with dead flowers

and he left with nothing but the thought of 

roses in my hair and the thought of someone 

who could've loved him forever.

all i had left was this bag of darkness

that made everything foggy and was clouding my judgement.

and these dead flowers that are growing in my lungs.

i cant help but wonder what happened to me 

and why all of my flowers are dead.

it took me years to realize that these are the villains in my story

and they too, are important.

this bag of darkness caused me so much pain, 

but now i understand more than i knew before. 

and this. was a gift.

these flowers you picked for me were once the most beautiful.

even though they are dead, they remind me of us.

so they will always be the most 

beautifully tragic flowers that will grow in me. 

theses are my villains.

and to have a good story, 

you need to love the villain as much as you love the hero.

song: Thirteen Sad Farwells // Stu Larsen 

dearest daughter,

baby

that boy does not validate your existence.

love the world 

unconditionally.

eat as much chocolate as you want.

confidence is key.

seek to find the beauty in all things.

you will probably be tall,

 but always wear those heels.

learn to apply lipstick. 

and wear the crap out of red lipstick.

tell me everything.

i am very good at keeping secrets.

know your worth.

always walk with your head held high.

drink lots of water,

its good for everything.

the sun is your friend.

but never forget to wear sunscreen.

it is okay to cry.

break bottles when you're mad,

trust me it helps.

keep yourself healthy, a strong beautiful soul

needs a healthy body.

mean your anger

mean your pain

mean your sadness

all of your feelings are valid

every last one of them.

your education is top priority.

science is very interesting.

people are going to let you down.

but hold everyone to high expectations.

form your own opinions.

voice your opinions.

stick with your guns.

there are many ways into a pool, 

the stairs is not one of them.

never linger in or out of a door way.

always be polite.

first impressions are important.

wash your face,

twice a day.

i cant paint fingernails.

argue when you need too.

when stating your point, 

short but sweet is best.

don't take anyones shit.

there is a very fine line between,

sultry and slutty.

i am always listening, always.

you are so beautiful.

i will always hold your hand when i need to.

jealousy is ugly.

not everyone will love you.

count your blessings.

being happy helps your soul.

nostalgia is a dirty liar.

do not dumb it down.

its never too late for an apology. 

please forgive yourself for your mistakes.

invest in good sheets.

punch first, and punch hard.

never forget about the ones who love you back.

life is tough, but you are tougher.

most importantly,

you are who you love.

not who loves you.

and baby, i will love you forever and i will never let you go.

song: To Build A Home // The Cinematic Orchestra 

i got my crayons back

I can remember mommy buying me a box of crayons
brand new and full of hope.

at the age of five i remember nightmares.

and at six the sound of yelling.

at seven i learned the word divorce
and i helped daddy pack his bags
and watched him leave.

at age eight a new house,
mommy was lonely
i had to make friends.

by the time i was nine
my crayons were broken
all tattered and torn
and lost all their hope.

at the age of eleven mommy was married
i had to move houses
and i lost all my friends.

i remember mommy bought me some pencils.

and at the age of twelve my life was gray,
and it was dull and it continued to smudge with every next chapter.

thirteen was boring.

and i cant remember fourteen.

fifteen my crayons were completely broken
along with my heart.
i began to lose my way when i lost my pencil sharpener.
so i started to give up
mommy was crying
and it seemed i was all out of luck.

at sixteen i found paint
and life was okay.
i learned how to paint in red even when everything was blue.

and finally at seventeen my life is a mess,
but don't worry about me. i got my crayons back.

song: Real Life // The Weeknd

all hats off

I  remember the night of june 21.
I remember the hospital,

I remember the tears, and the blood, there was so much blood.

I remember white walls all around me.
and the floors, the floors were so white.

and him, he was so pale, and so cold.

I remember his eyes when he woke up 

I remember blue, so much blue 

and so much white 

and still so much blood.

I remember the scar,

the scar racing across his head.

and I remember pain.

I remember asking him why he was always wearing a hat

that always covered his scar. the scar that was racing across his head 

he told me 

it reminded him of pain.
and white walls,
and of blood. so much blood.

I remember looking at his scar
and told him it reminded me of
magic, and miracles,
and of survival.
a scar that reminded me of life.

i told him that
hats are not made to cover up life,
they are not made to hide magic.
scars are made to tell a story. a story of life
a story of miracles and a story of survival.

so all hats off for the scars
where life tried to break you
but failed
all hats off for the scars with the stories behind them.
and the ones that are left unwritten.

and after that
i remember him never wearing a hat again.

song: Facedown // The 1975 

the butterfly effect

i fell in love with a boy that kissed like a tsunami
and reminded me all too well of lighting in a stormy sky. 

 one bat of his eyelashes

and there was a hurricane of chaos in my gut,

butterflies in my throat,

and the wings of blue butterflies
the color of his eyes blurring my vision.

i came home at nights with the smell of rain,
cherry chap stick,
and smoke from the fire on my fingertips
where he held my hands.

i promised him i'd love him forever.
even though this hurricane is making its way to my lungs, 

and it's making it hard for me to breath. 

i broke my promise when forever only lasted
until my insides were on the carpet and
these blue butterflies were making everything blurry.

i am no longer in love with a boy who kisses like a tsunami. 

but every time the thunder comes around

i swallow the taste of lighting off my tongue,
and try to catch my breath 

because when the morning comes around the sun will rise,
and I will no longer dream of blue butterflies,
or kisses that destroy everything in their wake.


song of this post: The Other // Lauv