letters from my head

(addressing depression and mental illness.)

i still need to remind myself every morning to smile.

somedays i get sad. and i don't know why. and nothing can change that.

people want me alive.

emotions are colors, and i don't feel colors very often anymore.

depression isn't pretty.

and my brain is not romantic.

i take medication every morning.

and sometimes i forget to wake up.

i am my own worst enemy.

i wish i could go back and warn myself about this.

i do not need someone to fix me.
i do not need someone to fix me
i do not need someone to fix me
i am not broken
i am not broken
i cannot be fixed,
if i am not broken.

i am always struggling to breathe.

this is not how things used to be.

i am not the same.

i cant see the sun anymore.

and i cant see the good.

i cant help but think it was you who made me this way.

but i know better than that.

constantly torn between,

i am nothing and i am everything.

maybe ill settle for all that is in between.

my hands are always shaking.

and i don't usually have an appetite.

when i walk down the halls i have to remind myself to breathe.

i'm afraid of my own head.

i know that one day i will be okay,
and i am sorry to the ones who have been effected by me.
i am constantly trying to be better.

you can do this. - sincerely me.


(this post is not for you to feel bad for me.
it is to show you what people with mental illnesses deal with everyday.
please stop romanticizing this illness.
it is not beautiful.)

Autopilot // Kodaline

let it kill you

as soon as your eyes locked with mine i knew there was

 no chance of me coming out of this alive.

find what you love and let it kill you.

i thought i found him and loved him

but i didn't. i lost him.

and i am still alive.

but what doesn't kill you

leaves scars.

on your heart, and your hands,

and on your spine where he used to trace his fingers 

what doesn't kill you 

leaves your lungs ruined,

and full of dying flowers.

what doesn't kill you,

dries out all your tears,

leaves you awake at 4 in the morning

laying on the shower floor.

wishing you weren't alive.

find what you love and let it kill you.

everything is going to kill you,

but darling,

please let it be by love.

a lover

the love of your life.

love what you love so much 

that it makes you feel alive

and then love it so much 

that it kills you.

i've had my hours on the shower floor.

the scars on my skin 

and the stains on my soul

are un countable.

its time for me to 

find what i love and let it kill me.

...what a marvelous way to die.

All The Pretty Girls // Kaleo

11:28

i dont know where you are.

but tonight the rain is tapping on my window;

and where ever you might be, 

i know that it is pattering against yours too.

this comforts me for some reason.

 

Silver Coin // Angus & Julia Stone

yellow brick, boring brick

if you ask me 

i can show you how deep the rabbit hole really is

if you stay in wonderland with me.

alice is wonderful

and they are saying the hatter is going mad 

but if he's mad i must be insane.

im stuck in a fairytale

and i'm not sure how to get out.

this way 

that way 

wrong way 

which way is the right way?

the clock just struck twelve,

i lost my shoe,

and i'm walking on this yellow brick road 

following each brick, by boring brick

but i think i'm lost.

i painted some roses red 

on my way 

they are the color of my shoes.

if i click my heels it will take me home 

but i realized i don't want to go home.

i just want to be happy

but i've lost my way.

im in alice's wonderland 

i think i fell down the wrong hole

living in a diffrent reality.

i'm searching for other holes to find my own

because to find my own wonderland

i need to fall down a rabbits hole.

i don't know where i'm going 

so it doesn't matter if i'm late 

or which path i take.

alice is still wonderful

the hatter has gone mad.

but if you ask me 

i can show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

if you'll go to wonderland with me.

Brick By Boring Brick // Paramore 

love, n.

i'm not even going to start.

i have nothing to say other than run. 

run fast and run far.

Dear John // Taylor Swift 

him,

i never got the chance to thank you for breaking my heart.

i don't cry over you anymore,
in fact i cant remember the last time i did.
but just because i'm not crying,
doesn't mean that every time
i hear your name it
doesn't make me weak and
i cant feel my blood turning cold.

but here,
thank you.

Lost and Found // M83 ft. Susanne Sundfør